So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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