I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
