I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He did a backflip because drugs
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