Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
