I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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