I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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