I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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