omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
