What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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