needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize