Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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