I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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