mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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