He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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