life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize