The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
