i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
