You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
