quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize