I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
