I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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