when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
