Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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