Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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