I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
