Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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