I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize