I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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