The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize