Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
