The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
