can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
