I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Someone signed my nipple.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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