Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
