im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
