apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
