Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
