turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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