Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
