The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
