She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
