Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
