you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
