so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize