Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
