I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
