Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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