Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Someone signed my nipple.
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