your thong is hanging out like whoa
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So apparently I’m into choking now
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