this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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