i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
