3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i love accidental penises.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We are all done wearing pants today
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
