I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
