Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
