There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
