Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
