i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
