So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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