I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
...so i touched it.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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