My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
