Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
