there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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