She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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