go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
