i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
