I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
