I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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