My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
