saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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