I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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